mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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