Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
