I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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