legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
