Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
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