i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
