When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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