Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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