well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
