I'm so fucking centered right now
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
