This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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