I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
