You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
