And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
