the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
never play flip cup with pint glasses
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
