He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
