Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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