I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
