this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
