Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
