I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
