I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
