Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize