How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
