we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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