We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Boobs speak an international language.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
