I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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