i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think my moral compass just broke
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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