Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
