I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
