And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
