My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
