I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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