i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
