I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Ketchup is God's man juice
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
