college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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