I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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