Your mouth is God's brothel.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
