How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
