he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
