there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
