Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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