The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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