apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I could make wine with my vomit
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I would fuck him just for his dog
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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