Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
