Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
