I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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