....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
