My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
