I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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