It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
