Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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