A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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