Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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