Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
