And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
