I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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