Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize