why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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