if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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