Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize